WHAT MOST HETEROSEXUAL MEN WANT

Julie Burchill is always good value for money and it’s good to see that she hasn’t lost her acerbic wit and has retained her ability to call a spade a spade.

I laughed at this part her article in today’s Guardian ridiculing fashion magazines who push the idea that women must try to look as young as possible to pull the best men:

“Most heterosexual men merely want a woman above the age of consent to wash, show up, bring beer and strip naked. They are far from the harsh taskmasters, when it comes to female appearance, that they are routinely made out to be and the idea that they go about rejecting every woman who doesn’t resemble a small-eyed baby is very much belied by the number of men who are frankly desperate to get themselves a girlfriend”.

STILL LIVES AND DINOSAURS

LIFE BEFORE MAN by Margaret Atwood (First published 1980)

Margaret Atwood is an intelligent enough writer not to depend on contrived drama or sensationalised events, but with this novel she’s almost dispensed with a plot too. This wouldn’t necessarily be a drawback if any of the characters were likeable but I couldn’t warm to, or care about, any of them.

The story, if you could call it that, is told from three perspectives. The dated chapters alternate between the points of view of  an unhappily married couple Elizabeth and Nate and his recently acquired lover Lesje (pronounced Lashia).

Both women are paleontologists which, given the title, seems an obvious cue for rating the male of the species on a par with dinosaurs. The nearest we get to this accusation is near the end when, at the end of her tether, we are told of Lesje that “it’s long been her theoretical opinion that Man is a danger to the universe, a mischievous ape, spiteful, destructive, malevolent”. 

SEX, PEARLS AND PAINT

GIRL WITH THE PEARL EARRING directed by Peter Webber (2003)

I read and admired Tracy Chevalier’s novel when it was first published in 1999 but was never strongly drawn to the movie adaptation.

I had serious misgivings about the cast and a few lukewarm reviews put me off too. Surely Scarlett Johansson was too sexy to play the young girl and Colin Firth too English to play Vermeer.

Having finally got round to seeing it on DVD, I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the skilled way Peter Webber captured the detail and atmosphere of painter’s household in 17th century Delft and of how faithful he was to the novel. This is all the more impressive as it was the British director’s debut feature film.

Chevalier’s book works both as an examination of Vermeer’s meticulous pictures made of light and as a sympathetic study of the plight of women who had resign to a hard live of servitude while being at the mercy of randy masters.

THE PRINCE AND THE SEX GODDESS

MY WEEK WITH MARILYN directed by Simon Curtis (UK, 2011)

This movie is based on Colin Clark’s memoir  ‘The Prince, The Showgirl And Me’  and tells the story of what happens when an Eton educated 23 year old toff seeks gainful employment in the glamorous world of movies.

Clark (played by Eddie Redmayne) is so hooked on all things cinematic that he is prepared to do the most menial tasks to get a foot in the door of the industry. He rises from tea boy and gofer to a role as the third assistant to the director on the 1957 film ‘The Prince And The Showgirl’ . This may not seem the most inspiring of jobs but since it involves working at close quarters with Sir Lawrence Olivier and Marilyn Monroe he’s not complaining.

Olivier is the archetype luvvie and is played to perfection by Kenneth Branagh – it takes one to know one.   ’Larry’  is eager to prove that he can translate his theatrical achievements  to the big screen.

Marilyn is not a great actress but as one her American team points out “with tits like that you make allowances”.  Olivier is frequently exasperated with her unreliability and ineptitude (“it’s like teaching Urdu to a badger”) but is forced to concede that despite her lack of training or craft, she shines in front of the camera in a way he can only dream of.

CRONENBERG’S FREUD AND JUNG SHOW

A DANGEROUS METHOD directed by David Cronenberg (Canada, 2011)

"Trust me, I'm a doctor!"

‘Restrained’ and ‘tasteful’ are not adjectives I want to see associated with David Cronenberg.

It’s as incongruous as describing a Terry Gilliam as understated and temperate or David Lynch as cosy and reassuring.

For a film that deals with sexual behaviour and personal liberty you’d expect A Dangerous Method to stir up some healthy controversy. Yet, the normally provocative director seems intent on maintaining an uncharacteristic (and unwelcome) level of respectability.This means that Viggo Mortensen, who plays Sigmund Freud, is not being ironic when he calls it Cronenberg’s Merchant-Ivory film.